theschoolboards
03-18-2011, 10:29 AM
This from Kim Hamer of GetIntoPrivateSchool.com:
On March 25, letters go out. That weekend some of you will be celebrating while others of you will be very upset. But what happens when you have a friend who gets in when you didn't or vice versa? Admissions letters can put a strain on any relationship whether it be with your partner or with your friends. Here are a few tips on different ways to handle an uncomfortable situation.
You Got In!!
Congratulations. You worked hard to find and prove to a school that your child and family are a good fit and it worked! While it's good news for you, it can be bad news for your friend who didn't get in. In general, there are two kinds of reaction you will get that are best described in tones.
Excitement: “OMG that is so great! Congratulations.” “Wow! Can you believe it? I totally knew you would get in!” If you are talking to another mom who was also accepted at a school there will be a lot of, “We’re so lucky!” This is the person you want to celebrate with and talk with about how excited you are.
Lukewarm to disdain: “Wow, that’s great. Good for you,” to, “I feel it’s best for us to work to support the local public schools.” This is usually from someone who got waitlisted or got a non-accept letter. As the person who got in, you really want your friend to be happy for you. It will come but not right away. Your friend is grieving and probably wondering why you got in and she didn’t. It’s a question that will never be answered, and it takes time to come to terms with it. Be kind and be patient.
Getting into private school is a big deal. Be happy for yourself, your family and your child. But, don't rely on others to understand or share your excitement.
You Got Rejected or a Waitlist Letter and Your Friend Got In
Ouch. Watching someone get what you really want stings. It can be hard to be around that person for a little while. This is no time to feel guilty because you weren’t “happy” enough for your friend. This is the time to lean on friends who can listen to your anger, concern, worry and sadness. There are two typical tones you will get from people.
Light but avoiding: “Oh, don’t worry about it. The public school here is perfectly fine. You know, things happen for a reason.” This is usually from someone who has not been through the admissions process or who got her child into a private school and doesn’t want to make you feel bad. Your friend wants to make you feel better by telling you it will all work out. Instead, her comments come off as a lack of understanding or caring.
Understanding and warmth: “I am so sorry you didn’t get in. Do you want to go have a cup of coffee?” This is usually from someone who knows loss and gets that there is no fixing it or brushing it under the rug. They also understand that for many, the best way to heal is for you to share your disappointment, anger and shame (or other emotions) and to give you time to accept your loss.
For Middle School Parents Dealing With Their Child’s Friend Who Didn’t Get In
The most common question I hear is, “Should I say anything?” The common resounding answer from kids, parents and others who have dealt with loss is, “YES, SAY SOMETHING!” Saying nothing is, in essence, ignoring their loss, which just compounds the issue and can make them feel further isolated.
You don’t have to say much. Just pull them aside and say, “I am so sorry to hear you didn’t get into ____, sweetheart. It’s a real loss for the school.” Those two sentences offer comfort and let the child know that you are thinking of them. It acknowledges their loss and their disappointment.
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Kim Hamer, The Private School Admissions Expert, is founder of the 7 Steps to Acceptance System™, the proven step-by-step program that shows you exactly how to get your child into private elementary, private middle or private high school. To get your F.R.E.E. 7 Steps to Getting Into Private School by e-mail and receive Kim's weekly admissions secrets articles on getting the private education you want for your child, visit www.GetIntoPrivateSchool.com (http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=85444218&msgid=1025784&act=2COF&c=376935&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.getintoprivateschool. com%2F).
On March 25, letters go out. That weekend some of you will be celebrating while others of you will be very upset. But what happens when you have a friend who gets in when you didn't or vice versa? Admissions letters can put a strain on any relationship whether it be with your partner or with your friends. Here are a few tips on different ways to handle an uncomfortable situation.
You Got In!!
Congratulations. You worked hard to find and prove to a school that your child and family are a good fit and it worked! While it's good news for you, it can be bad news for your friend who didn't get in. In general, there are two kinds of reaction you will get that are best described in tones.
Excitement: “OMG that is so great! Congratulations.” “Wow! Can you believe it? I totally knew you would get in!” If you are talking to another mom who was also accepted at a school there will be a lot of, “We’re so lucky!” This is the person you want to celebrate with and talk with about how excited you are.
Lukewarm to disdain: “Wow, that’s great. Good for you,” to, “I feel it’s best for us to work to support the local public schools.” This is usually from someone who got waitlisted or got a non-accept letter. As the person who got in, you really want your friend to be happy for you. It will come but not right away. Your friend is grieving and probably wondering why you got in and she didn’t. It’s a question that will never be answered, and it takes time to come to terms with it. Be kind and be patient.
Getting into private school is a big deal. Be happy for yourself, your family and your child. But, don't rely on others to understand or share your excitement.
You Got Rejected or a Waitlist Letter and Your Friend Got In
Ouch. Watching someone get what you really want stings. It can be hard to be around that person for a little while. This is no time to feel guilty because you weren’t “happy” enough for your friend. This is the time to lean on friends who can listen to your anger, concern, worry and sadness. There are two typical tones you will get from people.
Light but avoiding: “Oh, don’t worry about it. The public school here is perfectly fine. You know, things happen for a reason.” This is usually from someone who has not been through the admissions process or who got her child into a private school and doesn’t want to make you feel bad. Your friend wants to make you feel better by telling you it will all work out. Instead, her comments come off as a lack of understanding or caring.
Understanding and warmth: “I am so sorry you didn’t get in. Do you want to go have a cup of coffee?” This is usually from someone who knows loss and gets that there is no fixing it or brushing it under the rug. They also understand that for many, the best way to heal is for you to share your disappointment, anger and shame (or other emotions) and to give you time to accept your loss.
For Middle School Parents Dealing With Their Child’s Friend Who Didn’t Get In
The most common question I hear is, “Should I say anything?” The common resounding answer from kids, parents and others who have dealt with loss is, “YES, SAY SOMETHING!” Saying nothing is, in essence, ignoring their loss, which just compounds the issue and can make them feel further isolated.
You don’t have to say much. Just pull them aside and say, “I am so sorry to hear you didn’t get into ____, sweetheart. It’s a real loss for the school.” Those two sentences offer comfort and let the child know that you are thinking of them. It acknowledges their loss and their disappointment.
----------------------------------
Kim Hamer, The Private School Admissions Expert, is founder of the 7 Steps to Acceptance System™, the proven step-by-step program that shows you exactly how to get your child into private elementary, private middle or private high school. To get your F.R.E.E. 7 Steps to Getting Into Private School by e-mail and receive Kim's weekly admissions secrets articles on getting the private education you want for your child, visit www.GetIntoPrivateSchool.com (http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=85444218&msgid=1025784&act=2COF&c=376935&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.getintoprivateschool. com%2F).